Bolokness overwhelmed

So much of overthinking can lead u to nothing.

I am sitting in my car, outside d house thinking, why here why now why me

So much responsibility yet im not behaving like one

Ntah ak pun xfhm bende ak mengarut ni

Dlu waktu tgh tagging ong, timah came to visit me. I think i tried so much to mantain a happy face although the fact is i was on verge of crying seeing her.

It's like...suddenly ppl from ur other side of d world is here. It opens up the fragile side of u.

Hahaha. Drama queen betul la ak ni.

Ak ni jenis suke randomly hugging ppl esp fellow cbtian. My randomness hugging. Esp when i was down in d drained hahaha.

I know things will never be d same.

a facade

sometimes things can get  a lil lonely here.

missing everyone. those in n not in d pics too :D

it's hard to maintain a strong face. that everything supposed to be under controlled. behind the mask, the facades, all i want to do is to break down. to cry a bit. just to feel human.

lol. melodramatic pule tetiba.

anyway, there was one pt in my ward. initially admitted for alleged MVA with # phalanx of his toes. was under our medical care for moderate osa with chr. co2 retention (eh mcm nk present case pule). Well, i'm not going to share his medical probs actually.

Tp aku suke curi2 pandang couple ni. His wife was taking care of him 24-7. There was one time, he scolded her for being slow and unable to attend to his needs properly. Marah2. His wife looked upset. Suddendly, that pt slapped his thigh and face. (i was surprised tkut la plak tetiba altered mental status ni haha).

He said, "dlu x mcm ni...skrang useless." He was obese and with boot slab on his left LL. U can imagine how hard for him to move, even to sit upright was hard enough. His wife, was here and there, doing everything she could to make her husband at ease. At 2-3 am, while doing a round with my bos, i looked at her, small fragile body, hugging a pillow, trying to get some sleep on the chair. She looked exhausted. But contented and satisfied. Doing her best for people u love dearest. Unconditional and unspeakable love.

Dulu, while i was in form 5, we (with my baba, my lil brother) visited my late grandmother. She was bed bound with u/l recurrent cva and other complications. When we arrived at her house, my father switched off the engine, but didn't open the door directly. We had about 2 min moment of silent. Then suddenly, he started to speak..."klau baba jd camni, ape yang nanim and ufa akan buat?" The question was so serious, that we were taken aback, and i just looked at the front door of the house saying nothing. I guess my father was questioning himself too. Have we done enough to ppl we love the most...

My late grandmother passed away when i was in 2nd yr of med school. She was cardioverted in front of me and my father. The cardiologist told me to go behind the curtain while they were performing the procedure when suddenly my father said, "its okay, she's a med student, she'll stay." I don't think i should stay. Things got emotional when d pt was not just a pt but a somebody to u.

Well, enough 'throwback-ing'. Got usrah today here. Need to kemas skit2 and look up what's in d fridge hahaha.  

OmGG

weeehee. surviving my 1st week in medical. truthfully, still feeling inept sgtt lol.   

Leaving ong posting with such thousand of memories. place where i met kopitiamians comrades and of course the trio who seems to have same feather that flock together hahhaahha ape ntah ak mengarut ni. 

1st week of ong was tough with zero understand-able knowledge on hosp system and yeah,  people in the labour (those involve in d process tooo) in  r not that emotionally stable. hahaha. And that's how i got my mother's car kemek here and there during my very 1st week as a ho. but it's a great posting, and i'll be misssing all d misi2 over there and the air-conditioned wards :) haahahaha. I learnt a lot, and still a lot to be learnt :)

 

kopitiamians comradessss at nik's housewarminggg. sume dah kt posting lain2
these ppl yg bile aku tak showed up utk kerja mlm, ended up duk depan pintu umah ak ingt ak collapse ke pe..
padahal ak overslept hahahaa

kerja ntah pa pe time post call ri tuu...hahaha tp tmpt ni canteksss :)
it's okay mama, xde lepto kt sini hihi

save the best for the last. thanks husna and miruru for making my life here a lil bit merrier, brighter and happier. Miruru who alwayssss buys us food and belannjeee all d timee. hahaha lol sorry miruru xdpt nak wat kate2 puitis mcm mu. Husna is soo like dijat in one way or another hahaha. missing cbtians too. huhuhu

kaki suke tukar2 jadual so that bleh kerja skali. time ong la. skang dh posting lain2 hahaha.

Home is where ur heart is

When u have thousand and one things to be blabbered here, and u're not sure where and what to begin with. Haha.

Alhamdulillah, so many things to be grateful of, yet, so, little effort to show it *sigh* Currently, enjoying my eop at home. HOME! hihi. 1st posting done. The more u know, d more u know that u don't know. I save this part into another post later hihi.

Yesterday, my father had his mini gathering with his orangie's comrades. A small tazkirah given by ust ridhuan regarding relationship of sunnatullah-syariat-maslahah.

Syariah (i'm not putting it into a literal meaning btw) is dynamic, it changes as people and environment change.

Sunnatullah on the other hand, is static. Wa lam tajidu li sunnatillahi tabdila.

Syariah that is properly based on sunnatullah, will produce a maslahah.

That was pretty much i can sum up from 1+hour tazkirah, with Sakinah kept on poking me and doodling over my notes. hahaha

my fav quote from him yesterday was, "ramai org mengajak ke arah kebenaran, tp sedikit shj yang menzahirkan" (ok deeep...)

while i'm on this sharing-moment-skema mood, there's one ayat that was shared by dr ZN during his talk the other day (well, actually he shared quite a loonng list of quranic verses haha), but this one he had laboriously explained..

وَاعْتَصِمُواْ بِحَبْلِ اللّهِ جَمِيعًا وَلاَ تَفَرَّقُواْ وَاذْكُرُواْ نِعْمَتَ اللّهِ عَلَيْكُمْ إِذْ كُنتُمْ أَعْدَاء فَأَلَّفَ بَيْنَ قُلُوبِكُمْ فَأَصْبَحْتُم بِنِعْمَتِهِ إِخْوَانًا وَكُنتُمْ عَلَىَ شَفَا حُفْرَةٍ مِّنَ النَّارِ فَأَنقَذَكُم مِّنْهَا كَذَلِكَ يُبَيِّنُ اللّهُ لَكُمْ آيَاتِهِ لَعَلَّكُمْ تَهْتَدُونَ

103. "And hold fast by the cord of Allah all together, and do not separate; and remember Allah's favour on you when you were enemies ( of each other ) then He united your hearts with (mutual) love, and thus you became brethren by His favour while you were on a brink of a pit of Fire then He delivered you from it! Even so Allah makes clear His Signs for you, so that you may be guided."

1-as long as u hold on these 2, u will not go astray.
unfortunately, nowadays, we have more penghafaz nas instead of penghakam nas. so, that's why we do get funny2 interpretation that caused more confusion and uproar within our community. (ok xnak komen lebih2 sbb diri sndr pun xde sijil pengajian islam haha)
2-Remember Allah's favour; when we were lost, he showed d way, when we were deprived, he showered with wealth, when we were enemies, he brought us closer.

The main gist of his talk was on unity actually. How we r made into different groups, and of course differences r inevitable. He came up with a story (or was it a hadith, ok i didnt remember d details) of 2 groups, whereby Rasulullah gave them an order, and they understood and execute it differently based on their understanding and circumstances in which Rasulullah said neither of 2 groups r wrong.

We r so overwhelmed with arguments over small petty things that was not worth of arguing. The big2 things r slipping away without proper justification.

As the ooold man aristotle said, we r actually zoa politika, political animals. The only common agreement we have is to agree to disagree. Tolerating differences.

With husna. Punye la susah nk cari tmpat duduk, haha, ak igt nk bersila je ats lantai.