Children of Paradise

I'm getting better. Thanks to all the prayers and concerns. Still, once in a while, it hurts. Especially looking at newborns and things related to pregnancy. The obstetrics team said your death was unexplainable. Everything was completely normal. Normal within our capability to investigate at least. But Allah knows better. Yes, alam rahim is definitely is one of the alam ghaib. It's really hard to say. 

Truthfully I was hoping for a reason why you'd gone. At least to console the broken heart. But we didn't get any answer. You just left us without a sign. Part of me blamed myself. For not taking proper care of myself, for not focusing the fact that I was pregnant, for letting myself doing the hard works and being too active...to a point I may have jeopardise your health. 

Dear Fateh, (we decided to name you so - well it was Papa's decision since he likes the name so much) we know that you were selected to be one of the children of paradise (wildan mukhaladdun). Still, sometimes we feel sad, thinking of what you and your big brother, Usamah may have achieve together if you were here. But it's okay sayang. We know you'll be waiting at Jannah. Do pray for us, that we will be meeting you there. 

A child that we mourned

How should i begin this post. I wondered so many times on how should i write it. My mind is indeed in a mess. I'm devastated and heart-broken. God knows how painful it felt and went through it. I'm indeed sad my baby. I am. 

We were just 2 months shy away from our point of meeting. I'm nervous yet i had so many things planned in my mind. But u went so soon and sudden, my dear baby. Everyday, i wondered and wondered where my mistakes were. Did i go so rough on u, why didn't i notice it earlier, why didn't u give me more signs that u were going back then. I am sad my dear baby. I am. 

I cried and cried. But it didn't change the fact that u'd gone. 

Our wildan...

Blank

i guess it's my habit now. to write a post in 6 months inverval. currently, my little one is growing up so fast. being cheekier every day as he can be. made us laugh all the time. but he still can't kicked off his habit of crying insanely, waking each of us every night. hahaha.

i finished my ho-ship 7 months ago. currently, just an ordinary mo somewhere in a district hospital. the longer i'm here, the longer i was dragged deeply into my comfort zone hahaaa. no boss to bossy me around. i'm doing things at my own pace. which at the end of the day, is not good.

well, need for better plan for the future career pathway. now, it seems so blurry and misty. not sure where to go or start. when u thot u have it all planned, but every now and then, even u, yourself question ur own planning.

okay, that's all for now. till i come back later. maybe next year hahaha...

A thousand years...

and so a year has passed since my last post in 2016. i am writing this very quickly while my small one is having his beauty sleep.

my last post; i was still single and having my emotional cracked down. such hormonal post with mind so messed up with my life at that moment.

now, still about the same, emotional not stable, mind still in mess, just to add more mess in my  appearance with the unpleasant sour smelled of my breast milk. lol.

i've married for about 1 years. such an infancy marriage with so many ups and down. i met my husband during my 1st posting at the hospital. not a Cinderella story or what so ever. just happened he is the right person at the right moment (and of course with Allah's will). we quarrelled a lot after we got married. we were always on different pages. we argued  almost every week (especially during our off day - haha, guess the rest of the week we were just too busy with our works, no time to even argue or finding each other's flaws). so, marriage was not a total bliss. well, we all know that already. but still, people do get marred. haha. i guess having a person who initially was a total stranger, but at the end loves and fonds of you, just who you are, is a real blessing. people said, bad memories will go away, but the good ones always adhere to you forever. lol.

 there was no mic or speaker and this was outside the dewan masjid.
i hardly heard anything, tiba2, dah SAH2. haha. 

completely an awkward stare. hmmm 

budget je gambar romantic gini.
hakikatnya, time ni badan habes peluh sakan lps seharian sambut, tudung senget, mekap pun dh pudar haha

till here. i am so sleepy. haven't sleep well since little one arrived haha.  

melodramatic

things can get pretty much lonely here. esp during rainy season. somehow, u just have no idea where to go to...just looking out through the windows, drops of rain seem unstoppable. i miss my fav jogging track where  i used to go once a week, just to let the mind run and i miss the beach, the wide blue sea. now the waves looks a bit scary with the wind along it. 

is it in the rain or just the hormones get in their way that keep on messed up with my head. sometimes, u feel like crying, sometimes it feels so low on the mood that i dont know what to do and who to talk to.  

and i just cannot removed this pic of one family that i saw 2 weeks ago. their son passed away after severe head injury in an accident. the father was so lost. he just lost it. i remembered seeing him sitting on the bare floor at the edge of the room. his back slouched forward. he was drinking a can of juice and was staring blankly to nowhere. the family kept on requesting for an operation. something to be done for their beloved. the prob was, the brain was not salvageable. beyond what a human can fix. when my surgeon said no and strictly no to an operation, every single no, kills the hope that they were holding on. the father's eyes got more and more watery, and the crack in his voice.......i just couldn't take it, i went out from the room. let my surgeon and the rest of superiors did the breaking news. 

the rain and sadness sometimes intertwined. 

it makes u remember all d sad stories. sad feeling. 

dark clouds outside and inside me

#MyHero

If u asked me who inspired me the most

i guess the answer is too obvious

.

His will and determination 

always amaze me

. 

to a point, i can't believe 

that i am his daughter

. 

just one tiny and timid soul 

who is pretty much lacking 

in everything

.

is blessed with such 

a strong and beautiful soul

.

Thank you Allah for this blessing 

.

Happy birthday #MyHero

Of lacey and beads

I didnt write too much lately. i guess my mine is too preoccupied to settle what's coming this dec. hmmmm. too much thots that im not sure whether i can handle this or not. too much of everything that once in while it gives u a knot in ur tummy, feeling insecure and unsure how to react.

It leads u thinking why r u doing this. The expectations and everything that trails behind it.

Changes will be big. huge. and absolutely humongous.

....

hey si ketam. 

keep on swimmingg

it's been almost 2 months i did not rant anything here. i got so much to write, so many to share yet, sometimes in front of screen nothing just come out. hehe.

feel u....hahaah

here i am. home again. every single sight of the lanes and trees leading to the house, feel so good and welcoming. i took slower steps, scrutinising the details of the road, the houses neighbouring it and every else in between.

home is where ur heart is...lol

I am now entering my 3rd posting. still a lousy ho if u ask me. medical and surgical r definitely 2 different line of thots. medical like take blood this, that, ix pending, let's wait, cont observation and bla bla bla. on the other hand, surgical like, ok knbm, knbm, knbm....hahaha if u know what i mean. i enjoy both anyway. adapting and still learning everyday.

Sometimes, u remembered back ur early days being a ho. the 1st few months. away from family, home and good friends. everyday is a fight. i tell myself, that i have a choice. i can choose to be sad and cry everyday. or i can choose to be happy, go to work, do my task properly and enjoy the people around me. i chose latter. although, there were still crappy days. but alhamdulillah i still managed to survive my 1st few months.

and u wonder, what the purpose of above pic? hahah. it was a bad day and i was trying to smile for the camera which i looked ridiculous actually haha. this was after i was being scolded likeee gile2 by my superior for causing my patient to miss his ambulance. (well, wasnt really entirely my fault, my niat suci murni was to help a colleague, but later i was indirectly dragged into it too lol). sometimes, u dun get life. hahaha. i mean, u r trying ur best to do ur task, yet u got scolded by ur patient. u got screamed by the pt's relative at the point where every one else in the ward can hear. and the sister of the ward was furious and started to interrogate u back. and later, ur superior plak scolded at u in front of everybody else. and at the end of the day, the blame was on this lousy ho. yet, here ur r, running here and there trying to do ur best. maybe was not the best yet. hahahaha.

there will be bad days...always will haha

but stil there r good days too. u will never forget the moment, after conducting a delivery, and the mother decided to name the baby after u (thank God, my name is cute and the baby was a girl lol). meeting patients and relatives who kept on thanking u despite u dun do that much. and so much more.

lol. once dh start ranting, feel like non stop pule haha.

just keep on swimming going hihi.

my fav trail for jogging...hihi...a place to sort out the clutterness of ur mind. 

with copwaa and chaaan. 

perks having beach at back of hosp. uneventful ward, pantai STAT! ahaha

till here. and till i write some more. :)

Raya :)

Off day in Tganu be like....
.
beach
.
beach
.
and some more beach.

Even on a hot sunny day. :)

ntah ape yg cube dilakukan 

This raya, many of my siblings were away. So it was just my parents, my younger brother and i. But still i was still happy to be home. Seeing ur parents is such a blessing. 

going home on the 1st raye...both were postcall. thank God, we survived the journey with caffein on board of course.

the only raye photo i got...hahaha

till here. not so many things to write. i've promised myself to study for viva, which i've been procrastinated since ever...lol

Studying is so much easier when u r student. Now, it's like malas-ness everywhere and wanted to sleep every time that is possible hahahaha.

Well, guess not to late to say, eid mubarak peeps :)

missing ramadhan and every thing else in between

#1
"1st day tak sahur  dgn family ni"
"oh, ak everyday.."
"xpe mu dah biase"

Biasa. Lame jugak word tu clings inside my brain.

Bukan biase. its the only choice though.

Ramdhan coming to its end. Alhmdulillah, for the past few weeks, i was assigned to a less busy ward. So, dan juga nk berkejaran ke masjid klau shift pagi la.

Slalu lps solat kt qaryah, once kuar masjid, benda pertama aku akan wat adalah mencari kelibat baba. Nak balik cepat sbb ngantuk hahaahah. ok lwk. Tp sekarang drive sorg2 prgi, balik nak kuar masjid, pandang kanan kiri, ntah aku cube cari sape pun tak pasti. lol.

Lepak kat fountain yg kering ni sambil2 dgn recitation imam yg best.

Miraculously, ntah mcm mne, ak dpt cuti raya. Waktu ak pergi mintak dgn sp tu, ak expect jugak kne bantai ke ape. Last2 die sign je CR tanpa mempersoalkan ape2. hihi. happy nye la time tu :)



#2
"ko ni asyik nk sebut forever alone, bila ak nk introduce somebody xnak pule"
"bukan xnk, xbersedia la...perempuan ni complicated, diorg perlukan constant attention, so, aku mmg tak bersedia"
"lol, mne ade pompuan gitu *denial mode*"
"hey, ak dah byk mkn garam okay"
"lol"

hahaha. iklan je conversation kat ats. wishing advanced mabruuk to friends who r about to begin a new phase of life.

dan aku di sini masih sceptical dgn sume ni. lol.

just one boring life of a HO

so i'm home for now. just for 2 days. tomorrow got to work again as usual. sometimes, u just lost d energy that u kept u going. that u just want to lay on bed, do perfectly nothing and watch the fan spinning. thinking of nothing at all. hahaha. ok sucks right?

entering 2nd phase of ramadhan. entering ramadhan and leaving it without feeling of refreshing and recharging at all is such an ultimate loss. everyday trying to think, how can i made today better than yesterday. somehow was stuck in that process of thinking. hahaha.

yes, home. seeing my younger brother back. feeling him much shorter that before. or was it my perception has been biased after seeing so much of a tall person. haha. funny.

so, my father and brother was off to prk sg besar. guys in this family r always in high spirit esp in political sense (well, except for my elder brothers). i was always in d middle. unsure of what to do. haha. wondering whether will we ever achieve a mature political environment. my brother said, that y we need a new generation for this. a new frontliner, free from current tight and conventional thinking. ok, u go bro! u guys got my full support from back. haha.

and my other younger brother is currently embarking on his philosophical journey into world of shiah. haha. sebenarnya die tgh tour kat Iran je (u can read his journey notes in his instag). got us worried sometimes... even worrier when his travel guide or host is a girl. ahahahahaahah. gosh, baby bro, dont u dare man!

on the other hand, for me, am only to make a journey note on a bed. just stuck here and there (read : hospital).

anyway, baba said i need to improve my social skill. if not now, later i need too. haha. for an purely introvert (pure la sgt), it needs energy to do so. always dislike social gathering. i'd always prefer smaller group of intimately-known-people. hahaha. okay2, u can pull this off.

and yeah lastly, among the things i learn as a ho is...ho is always at fault. we r just a group of lazy ppl that always unable to properly get things right, manja, somemore lazy again and manja again. hahaha. *sarcastic mode on*
ntah laa....kekadang terfikir, HO ni ape sebenarnye....
i mean, u try to do ur jobs properly, carry ur plan, do work faster, trying to satisfy ur pt and ur superiors and wanting to learn some more. in between that, we r still losers,  bossess not happy and we still maintain brainless. hahaha. where r d loopholess man?!

ntah ape ak merepek ni.

post call and bus.

with aisha and husnaaaaa. among the perks of having beach at the back of hosp. haha

to sleep or not to sleep

OFF DAY during ur ho is way too much precious that at some point u'r not sure what exactly to do with it. should i just qada' all my sleep thirst, or should i go out do something. but the latter is a lil bit disappointing when everyone else is working. n yeah, u dont really have much choices left. haha.

waking up from sleep today finding myself mumbling the words meropenem...vanco bla2..blood tdm ...arrr u just can't escape the hospital. post call day the other day, to suddenly woke up during zuhr, d 1st thing in my mind was..."omg, it's already due for blood dengue pt"...dammit, ape ak mengarut ni bangun2 tido...hahaha.

Once in while, it got u thinking, what sort of life i'm heading or having. What have i done, or what should i've done. Ala2 mid life crisis gitu haha

And the cocktail of tiredness, incompetents and some scolding here and there, can be quite de-spiriting.

My 2nd day in acute stroke ward, i was questioned by my supervisor. Quite basic things. and it's like i know this answer, i've read like gazzilion times during student, yet, nothing comes out (or was i too nervous to even say something to her hahaaha)

And you guess what happen next, kena marah la. duuh...

and then she suddenly said, 'i'm maybe harsh on you, but at least u learn! if u want to do meds, then be under me!"

ahahaha. good luck to myself. mahu gugur jantung ak setiap hari begitu.

well, read it somewhere,

the easiest is not very beneficial. the hardest is very beneficial. the struggle is what makes us stronger and gets closed to Allah. -Syeikh Hamza Yusuf

and lastly, ramadhan kareem y'all. :)

...........I wanted to post my recent pics here, then realising, mostly r pt's detail n nothing much else. hahaha.

without a trace

so finally i've lost the stet. Erghh, ni yg mls nak pass2 stet ke org lain. there she goes, lost without a trace...RIP dear stet, wherever u r...

to much beauty in this one...one day babee hahaha

so now, i've to look for another one. plan to buy a cheaper version with a super striking colour. haha

and ramadhan is comingggg soo nearr. feeling excited yet cuak. i mean, 1st puasa waktu Ho, away from beloved family and dearest CBTians.

OUR fav place for terawikh, dari khemah kecik2 dgn panas nye skrang sudaa besar dgn berair cond bagai
qaryah ramadhan which was already upgraded to madinah
aku slept well everytime ade tazkirah in between terawih tu hahaha
  

almost a year ago, celebrating syera's birthday on 26th of may...
"semoga semua selamat menjalani alam2 seterusnye..."
alam perkahwinan, alam keibuaaann..
and the ultimate one, alam barzakh
hih

Living as it is

Ok enough of sappy ranting hihi 
Working pm tonight
I wish i could blabber something lengthy but time doesnt permit me of doing so.

I should be grateful of having maybe not that many, but few great ppl who concern and care, who make things more meaningful here.

Life isnt meant to be static. How i can hope things to be d same when everything around me is changing.

Hahaha. Acah2 deep.

Ok, jom kerja😊

To whom it may concern...Thank u :)

But i still miss home hahaha

Bolokness overwhelmed

So much of overthinking can lead u to nothing.

I am sitting in my car, outside d house thinking, why here why now why me

So much responsibility yet im not behaving like one

Ntah ak pun xfhm bende ak mengarut ni

Dlu waktu tgh tagging ong, timah came to visit me. I think i tried so much to mantain a happy face although the fact is i was on verge of crying seeing her.

It's like...suddenly ppl from ur other side of d world is here. It opens up the fragile side of u.

Hahaha. Drama queen betul la ak ni.

Ak ni jenis suke randomly hugging ppl esp fellow cbtian. My randomness hugging. Esp when i was down in d drained hahaha.

I know things will never be d same.

a facade

sometimes things can get  a lil lonely here.

missing everyone. those in n not in d pics too :D

it's hard to maintain a strong face. that everything supposed to be under controlled. behind the mask, the facades, all i want to do is to break down. to cry a bit. just to feel human.

lol. melodramatic pule tetiba.

anyway, there was one pt in my ward. initially admitted for alleged MVA with # phalanx of his toes. was under our medical care for moderate osa with chr. co2 retention (eh mcm nk present case pule). Well, i'm not going to share his medical probs actually.

Tp aku suke curi2 pandang couple ni. His wife was taking care of him 24-7. There was one time, he scolded her for being slow and unable to attend to his needs properly. Marah2. His wife looked upset. Suddendly, that pt slapped his thigh and face. (i was surprised tkut la plak tetiba altered mental status ni haha).

He said, "dlu x mcm ni...skrang useless." He was obese and with boot slab on his left LL. U can imagine how hard for him to move, even to sit upright was hard enough. His wife, was here and there, doing everything she could to make her husband at ease. At 2-3 am, while doing a round with my bos, i looked at her, small fragile body, hugging a pillow, trying to get some sleep on the chair. She looked exhausted. But contented and satisfied. Doing her best for people u love dearest. Unconditional and unspeakable love.

Dulu, while i was in form 5, we (with my baba, my lil brother) visited my late grandmother. She was bed bound with u/l recurrent cva and other complications. When we arrived at her house, my father switched off the engine, but didn't open the door directly. We had about 2 min moment of silent. Then suddenly, he started to speak..."klau baba jd camni, ape yang nanim and ufa akan buat?" The question was so serious, that we were taken aback, and i just looked at the front door of the house saying nothing. I guess my father was questioning himself too. Have we done enough to ppl we love the most...

My late grandmother passed away when i was in 2nd yr of med school. She was cardioverted in front of me and my father. The cardiologist told me to go behind the curtain while they were performing the procedure when suddenly my father said, "its okay, she's a med student, she'll stay." I don't think i should stay. Things got emotional when d pt was not just a pt but a somebody to u.

Well, enough 'throwback-ing'. Got usrah today here. Need to kemas skit2 and look up what's in d fridge hahaha.  

OmGG

weeehee. surviving my 1st week in medical. truthfully, still feeling inept sgtt lol.   

Leaving ong posting with such thousand of memories. place where i met kopitiamians comrades and of course the trio who seems to have same feather that flock together hahhaahha ape ntah ak mengarut ni. 

1st week of ong was tough with zero understand-able knowledge on hosp system and yeah,  people in the labour (those involve in d process tooo) in  r not that emotionally stable. hahaha. And that's how i got my mother's car kemek here and there during my very 1st week as a ho. but it's a great posting, and i'll be misssing all d misi2 over there and the air-conditioned wards :) haahahaha. I learnt a lot, and still a lot to be learnt :)

 

kopitiamians comradessss at nik's housewarminggg. sume dah kt posting lain2
these ppl yg bile aku tak showed up utk kerja mlm, ended up duk depan pintu umah ak ingt ak collapse ke pe..
padahal ak overslept hahahaa

kerja ntah pa pe time post call ri tuu...hahaha tp tmpt ni canteksss :)
it's okay mama, xde lepto kt sini hihi

save the best for the last. thanks husna and miruru for making my life here a lil bit merrier, brighter and happier. Miruru who alwayssss buys us food and belannjeee all d timee. hahaha lol sorry miruru xdpt nak wat kate2 puitis mcm mu. Husna is soo like dijat in one way or another hahaha. missing cbtians too. huhuhu

kaki suke tukar2 jadual so that bleh kerja skali. time ong la. skang dh posting lain2 hahaha.

Home is where ur heart is

When u have thousand and one things to be blabbered here, and u're not sure where and what to begin with. Haha.

Alhamdulillah, so many things to be grateful of, yet, so, little effort to show it *sigh* Currently, enjoying my eop at home. HOME! hihi. 1st posting done. The more u know, d more u know that u don't know. I save this part into another post later hihi.

Yesterday, my father had his mini gathering with his orangie's comrades. A small tazkirah given by ust ridhuan regarding relationship of sunnatullah-syariat-maslahah.

Syariah (i'm not putting it into a literal meaning btw) is dynamic, it changes as people and environment change.

Sunnatullah on the other hand, is static. Wa lam tajidu li sunnatillahi tabdila.

Syariah that is properly based on sunnatullah, will produce a maslahah.

That was pretty much i can sum up from 1+hour tazkirah, with Sakinah kept on poking me and doodling over my notes. hahaha

my fav quote from him yesterday was, "ramai org mengajak ke arah kebenaran, tp sedikit shj yang menzahirkan" (ok deeep...)

while i'm on this sharing-moment-skema mood, there's one ayat that was shared by dr ZN during his talk the other day (well, actually he shared quite a loonng list of quranic verses haha), but this one he had laboriously explained..

وَاعْتَصِمُواْ بِحَبْلِ اللّهِ جَمِيعًا وَلاَ تَفَرَّقُواْ وَاذْكُرُواْ نِعْمَتَ اللّهِ عَلَيْكُمْ إِذْ كُنتُمْ أَعْدَاء فَأَلَّفَ بَيْنَ قُلُوبِكُمْ فَأَصْبَحْتُم بِنِعْمَتِهِ إِخْوَانًا وَكُنتُمْ عَلَىَ شَفَا حُفْرَةٍ مِّنَ النَّارِ فَأَنقَذَكُم مِّنْهَا كَذَلِكَ يُبَيِّنُ اللّهُ لَكُمْ آيَاتِهِ لَعَلَّكُمْ تَهْتَدُونَ

103. "And hold fast by the cord of Allah all together, and do not separate; and remember Allah's favour on you when you were enemies ( of each other ) then He united your hearts with (mutual) love, and thus you became brethren by His favour while you were on a brink of a pit of Fire then He delivered you from it! Even so Allah makes clear His Signs for you, so that you may be guided."

1-as long as u hold on these 2, u will not go astray.
unfortunately, nowadays, we have more penghafaz nas instead of penghakam nas. so, that's why we do get funny2 interpretation that caused more confusion and uproar within our community. (ok xnak komen lebih2 sbb diri sndr pun xde sijil pengajian islam haha)
2-Remember Allah's favour; when we were lost, he showed d way, when we were deprived, he showered with wealth, when we were enemies, he brought us closer.

The main gist of his talk was on unity actually. How we r made into different groups, and of course differences r inevitable. He came up with a story (or was it a hadith, ok i didnt remember d details) of 2 groups, whereby Rasulullah gave them an order, and they understood and execute it differently based on their understanding and circumstances in which Rasulullah said neither of 2 groups r wrong.

We r so overwhelmed with arguments over small petty things that was not worth of arguing. The big2 things r slipping away without proper justification.

As the ooold man aristotle said, we r actually zoa politika, political animals. The only common agreement we have is to agree to disagree. Tolerating differences.

With husna. Punye la susah nk cari tmpat duduk, haha, ak igt nk bersila je ats lantai. 

Postcall and off

I cant believe im almost done with my 1st posting. Still my logbook is soo underfilled. And havent viva-ed yet. Not sure will get discharged well or not.

Sometimes things can get pretty enjoyable. Hahaa. Maigood, seriously i just said that.

Wish to writeeee a looong one. Tp ade org tu bwk balik laptop tp xbwk charger. Jammed.

up and down

Alhamdulillah long time i havent been here. Havent posted for some time. Previous posts were about how stress things at here. Hahaha. Still stress actually but adapting and can relatively say that it has been better. Although I may not be the cemerlang gemilang terbilang HO but insyaAllah trying to be a safe one and benefit others as well as to learn to be better everyday. And trying to go to work with ikhlas tooo hahhaaha

Ok, done on the working life and whatsoever. When I got home last week, my father asked me, havent i got some one or 'the one' already. Omggg, that question was sooo 2.6 million dolarr ringgitss maa. To come out from his mouth was unbelievable. Hahaha. Ok, over-reacting plak ak ni.

Unfortunately, the answer was no. hahaha. 

No wonder so many got married while studying, bcoz once started working, u pretty didn't have time to bother. Or ak je yg jenis workaholic mls nk kisah hahaaha.

Enough on this. Although everyday, my routine would be commuting to hosp and seeing patient and pretty the same all through the day, only the online FB-ing connecting me to the world elsewhere and the drama that's happening in our country. A twist here and there. And it got u thinking where all of this will lead to...

The part where I used to accompany my father here with his fight and concern on our political standard and watching him balancing his responsibilities, always amazed me and how far i am from being like him *sigh*...

and to search a man like him is almost impossible for me...lol.